Family gets together after a year | 30th August 2020, Sunday

30th August 2020, Sunday 

For Sundays, office puja, my cousins, bua and fufaji were home. We met in January last, as we missed 3rd August 2020, Raksha Bandhan, we celebrated it in the office. my nani, nanu, mamu, mami, masi and mausaji, Family friends, and others from Ludhiana and Jammu on the video call. It was fun. Mom and Dad have been working on the office for the past one year and finally, their efforts have been achieved. This lockdown had surely stretched out the construction process but it was finally over. 

The day started off early. The Puja muhurat was chosen to be 9:30 am. My parents and Grandma left early and told me to get take care of breakfast and come to the office by 10. The breakfast was ready before time, but other than me, no one was ready. Muskan as usual woke up late, got ready, had her breakfast at her pace. We somehow reached before the main puja, and later continued with it. 

I love to be around my family but at the same time, I am not happy. Always in such a gathering, I am never able to fully enjoy myself. The smallest of the smallest thing would irritate me. I tell myself continuously to not do that before going to any program, but I fail and let all the attention come on to me. This isn't any good attention, but them feeling petty on me plus annoyed. 

I am not happy alone neither around the ones I love and who also love me. This time it was even worse. My anxiety creeps in and spoils everything I plan to do. When I start talking to others, I feel like they don't want to and I might bore them to death. Maybe I won't. I start my conversation with confidence but this thought- Of boring them, destabilizes my stand. All my confidence, preparation, surety of the topic I am talking about, all goes in vain. 

This isn't' just the situation for gatherings, it is even in the classes when I am speaking to my parents and honestly with myself too. I think too much in very little time. It leads me to think of achieving heights, being the best in the room, but just because of these thoughts I cannot do it. 

I am going to try and get in contact with my counselor and get some help with this behavior.